Shattered Dreams

You’ve had your life planned out since you were ten. You knew the classes you would need to take in high school to get into a good college. You knew the names of your future children and the type of man you’d marry. You had an idea of where you wanted to live, what you wanted your house to look like, what type of lifestyle you would live. You’ve even known what kind of career you’d want. Yes, other children’s choices would change—one day Sally would want to be a doctor, the next a veterinarian. But you, you’ve always wanted to be a teacher. It’s always been your dream.

So you follow your plan to the best of your ability. High school is a swarm of AP and honor classes because you need to get into that college with the outstanding reputation for the program of your choice. Your social life is lacking a little, but that’s okay. You tell yourself you will go have fun in college, branch out more and party a little. This right here is too important, you must succeed. And you do. You go to a good college and

I’ve had my life planned out since I was ten. Even at that age I understood how important it was to go to a good college, so therefore I realized high school was important. I know what kind of man I want to marry and, thanks to Pinterest, I have an idea of what my wedding will look life. I’ve picked out the names for my future children, know what kind of house I want to live in, and what type of lifestyle I will have. I’ve also always wanted to be a teacher. It’s always been my dream career and I’ve centered a lot of life on that goal.

So I followed my plan to the best of my ability. High school was a swarm of AP and honor classes because I needed to get into a good college with an outstanding teaching program. I succeeded: I graduated with honors and was accepted into the education program at the college I chose.

In college I’ve done everything right. I choose studying instead of partying and as a result my GPA is high, even freshmen year when so many of my peers struggled. I thrive at school and have been on honor roll since I started college. I take summer classes to make sure I stay on track in my credits and now I’m even graduating early.

But I’m not graduating early by choice. I have to leave college early because I can no longer be in their education program—I can’t pass my teacher tests, my MTELs. I am struggling with these tests that were not created by real teacher, but a company whose employees have never stepped inside of a classroom. I can’t pass test that I study my butt off for. I can’t pass.

My dream of becoming a teacher is coming to an end.

I won’t be able to teach a classroom of students because, in my state’s eyes, I am not good enough. They have judged me through a standardized test and determined I will not be a good teacher. They have never seen me work with a child, encourage students when they do not understand material, nor have they seen how much children love me. There are people who can receive a perfect score on these tests, and you know what? that is not a guarantee they will be an amazing teacher. If you cannot connect with a child you are not a good teacher. But that means nothing. Every teacher I have ever observed tells me I will be an amazing teacher and a principal has even offered to write me a recommendation when I get out of college. That’s how confident she is in me.

But I can’t pass these tests and apparently that determines what a good teacher is.

My dream of becoming a teacher is coming to an end because, even though I followed my blue print, I am not good enough. I am a failure in my state’s eyes. In fact, I am a failure in my own eyes. I am broken, scared, angry, embarrassed, and indescribably sad.

I also never thought I’d say I’m a failure, but here I am writing a post about it.

I guess plans can’t always work out, but I never thought mine would be the one to completely shatter.

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A Letter to the One Who Got Away

I bet you don’t think about the moment I broke your heart nearly as much as I do, but I know you haven’t forgotten about it. Even though it’s been years—four to be exact, I never had the chance to explain to you why I said “no” when you asked me out. So I’m taking the chance to explain now.

I’ll start from the beginning because our history is important to our story. We have been friends since we were children. Once I asked you what your first memory was and you texted, “holding your hand” and I smiled at the screen on my phone. Our families have been friends since then, too; our mothers go out to dinner once a month to keep in touch, and our sisters are best friends.

We had been texting for months those four years ago and I waited, I want you to know that I did wait, for you to mention something about a date. But nothing ever came. You never made a move and I was shy. I wasn’t sure you liked me and eventually convinced myself it was impossible. I thought I was friend-zoned. But we still texted and when you asked me to hangout, I truly thought we were just buddies. I came over and you had a few friends with you, proof that we were just friends. But later that night I realized you liked me, that was when it clicked for me. It honestly took me by surprise.

As the night went on, I tried to keep my distance from you and prayed you would not make a move on me. But you did. I want you to know it broke my heart when I told you no, to see you hurt, to see our friendship breaking in front of my eyes. The moment you expressed your feelings to me, I thought that maybe I could, maybe I could give this a try. But I am a practical person and you tend to go with what your heart tells you. All the different factors started to swarm my mind and I realized the difficulties that would ultimately break us: our families, our sisters, our friendship, my work and your sport’s schedule. It was clear to me that we would never see each other and that this spark in front of me would die before it had the chance to burn. It simply did not make sense. So I said no. And I went home and cried.However, I told myself and you, too, that when we were older we could try this possible romance out.

Yet we stopped talking. Completely. You did not talk to me for two years, two fucking years, and I am still angry with you for that. There were times that I needed you and you were not there. You had no excuse and still have no excuse for it because you were fully aware of how my crumbling life. After all, our families are close, our sisters are friends, and you and I were once best friends. Maybe I should have reached out, but I was so sure you hated me and I did not want a confirmation.

So out of the blue, two years later, I got a message from you asking me if we could catch up. We started to talk more and more, purely on a friendship basis. It made me happy because you were in my life again and I missed you. We hung out when we could and for a moment I thought I saw something developing, but that made me distance myself from you instead of bring me closer. Once again I told myself that when we were older and out of college, once we had our lives somewhat put together, we could try this. So I decided this plan by myself because I’m practical, a planner, and you are the one with the big heart. I was selfish and never asked you what you thought of the blueprint I saw for our future. I am sorry about that. I need you to understand that I was scared about what you would say, frightened you would laugh at the idea, but even more, I was petrified you would look me in the eyes and say “okay”. I am still scared.

Summer ended and we both went back to school. I expected our friendship to be a lot like it was the year before: talking on the phone, texting a lot; but it wasn’t, it still isn’t. We don’t talk. I don’t hear from you. I reach out and there is no response. It reminds me of when we were sixteen, except this time I am not sure what I did wrong, if I did anything wrong. I’ve learned you have a girlfriend and I wonder if this influences your decision on not reaching out. I wonder what you told her about me—if you told her about me, and what her opinion is.

This silence between us is breaking me. So I am starting to resent you. In fact, I’m pissed. I cannot believe you are letting the past repeat itself. This time the silence is not caused by me, not my screw up, this time it’s on you. You have nothing to pin on me. And honestly, I don’t care about your reasons, not two flying fucks.

You’ve never asked for an explanation on that night so I’ve never given you one and I am too much of a coward to bring the topic up myself. You probably never will ask for a reason. I don’t know how I feel about that. One part of me yearns to discuss it with you, to make you understand. You probably will never read this letter, but by chance you do, I hope this gives you some sort of insight to my madness. Maybe if you read this you’ll even call me again so we can talk about it.

But until then, fuck you.

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What Sucks about the Gym: Women’s Edition

8d7527bef95702f0a9a81fe191e52b30Let’s be honest: the gym is not always a fun place to be. But the benefits…sometimes they are worth is. Still, there are factors that just absolutely, undeniably suck about the gym. And I’m here to cover them.

  1. You Get Sweaty

That phrase “girls glisten, they don’t sweat” is absolute bullshit and is a saying someone came up with to make girls feel better about the sweat pouring down their face. Your face is dripping with sweat, the flyaways on your hair are giving you devil horns, and you almost want to laugh at how disgusting you look. But then you see the poor girls who are dumb enough to pack on foundation and wear eyeliner, eye shadow and yes, even lip-gloss wear the gym. As her face starts to melt you start to feel better about your appearance. We are a cynical sex.

  1. Some Girls’ Faces Do Not Melt

And then you look to your left and this five-second regained confidence is thrown to the other side of the gym where it is devoured by the treadmill. It’s great. As we’ve said, you look like a sweaty wildebeest and then there is girl working out, packed with makeup, looking beautiful. You know she is wearing a ton of makeup, but guys may not. After all, I know plenty of men who think the Kardashians are all “naturel” and have no makeup on. Please.

  1. Cute Boys Get to See Your Sexy Pit Stains

There is no use in trying to hide them. Accept them, embrace them. On the bright side, at least everybody has them. Excluding some of those lucky sweat-free, cake-face girls, of course. Damn them.

  1. Muscle Heads

They’re the guys who think bigger is better and lifting two hundred plus pounds is easy. Spending two hours a day, six days a week at the gym is considered fun, and they always wear shirts without sleeves. They’re positive that being able to lift a girl above their head like Patrick Swezay does to Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing is super sexy and they’re absolutely, positively right. But, their personality sucks. Knowing their arms and abs are mouth dropping, constantly flexing, and overall cockiness is super unattractive and I suggest you stay away. But just because you can’t touch, doesn’t mean you can’t look, right? Another side note: have you ever wondered why they feel the need to have enormous muscles and spend every day at the gym? Perhaps they are overcompensating? Just something to think about….

  1. You Have to Start from the Bottom

A lot of people’s New Year Resolutions include going to the gym more. But actually keeping up with it is hard. Getting the motivation to go to the gym a few times can be easy, but realizing how out of shape you are, demonstrated by your wheezing after five minutes on the treadmill, can be discouraging. And the view of the body builders does not help either. What you have to remember is that everyone has to start from the bottom and you will get better and there is scientific proof (I think)! Personally, I think the second step can be the hardest because it requires you to keep up with your goal. But seriously, why won’t the world just allow us to start at like step five of ten or something.

  1. It Can Take Forever to Get Visible Results

I think this is the sucky-est part of the gym. So the muscle heads are jerks, but that doesn’t mean you don’t envy their looks. You may look around and see people who started going to the gym at the same time as you getting quicker results—especially the men. Men and women’s bodies are built differently and they can build muscle and lose weight faster. Part of that is because the more fat we have, the better it is for pregnancy and bearing children (or something like that). However, you will get results eventually. It may take you longer than some of the other people that surround you, but it will happen. Perhaps it will not be demonstrated physically, at first, but one of the first things you will notice is your increased stamina! That is a great stride! You have to give yourself time to get results. Unfortunately the world seems to be against us ladies sometimes and it sucks, but, as my mother once said, you just have to grin and bear it.

Us lucky ladies have the privilege of wearing oh-so-attractive sweat, dealing with douchebag body builders, and waiting for what seems like forever to see some physical results. It sucks and many hate the gym because of it.

Want to know what does not suck, though? The sexy bodies we will eventually have.

*Disclaimer: Not all muscle heads are assholes. Just most.

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31 New Years Resolutions You Should Try

new years

  1. Be less judgmental. Why should you care if your roommate makes the terrible mistake of partying until 3 A.M. when they have a test the next morning? It does not affect you.
  2. Stop procrastinating. The “I work well under pressure” excuse is soo 2014. Have you even tried getting ahead in your work? You may surprise yourself with the success you’ll experience when you do not wait until the last minute to complete things. Like when there’s and English essay due….
  3. Go to bed at a regular time. This may sound childish, but your body will love you. Just remember, the bags under your eyes from that all-nighter you pulled (probably due to procrastinating) are not sexy.
  4. Stop dwelling on the past. You. Cannot. Change. It. You’re not in the eighties, you are not a star in Back to the Future, and I doubt you have access to Dr. Emmett Brown’s time machine. Anyways, Marty almost ruined his whole life by meddling with the past.
  5. Let “him” or “her” go. It may be hard, but the relief you’ll feel is so worth it.
  6. Make the first move! Ask and you shall receive.
  7. Read a really good book. There are so many choices, like To Kill a Mockingbird, The Hunger Games, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Ender’s Game, Harry Potter and those are only a few.
  8. Be grateful for what you have because there are many who are not as lucky as you.
  9. Volunteer. Giving to those who have less leaves you with a great feeling.
  10. Be healthier. This does not necessarily mean you have to go to the gym; there are other options available that will keep you healthy, like when you…
  11. Give up fast food. It’s greasy, it’s gross, and it’s just unnatural.
  12. Don’t drink soda.
  13. Stop stressing.
  14. Do meditate. A healthy mind equals a healthy body.
  15. Smile more.
  16. Compliment a stranger. It may make their day.
  17. Work on that road range. Riding the person’s ass who cut you off does nothing except cause a break check and may lead to a car accident.
  18. Go on a ski trip. Don’t know how to ski? Take a lesson. Live someplace that doesn’t have the privilege of receiving blizzards? Time to take a road trip!
  19. Travel more often because you’re only young once. See the world.
  20. Spend time with your family. “Family Game Night” may not sound like a lot of fun right now, but you’ll be happy for the memories when you’re older.
  21. Tell your mother and father you love and appreciate them. They would do anything for you and it’s important to let them know this means the world to you.
  22. Cry. It’s healthy and always being strong is so tiring
  23. Stop making excuses. If you screwed up, apologize.
  24. Forgive yourself and those around you for past mistakes. Humans are not perfect and grudges only cause wrinkles.
  25. Get rid of your fake friends. Yes, you should forgive them for their past wrongs, but this does not mean you should continue to spend time with them.
  26. Don’t let others’ opinions affect the view you have on yourself. Who cares if the girl sitting across from the bar doesn’t like your outfit, when will you ever see her again?
  27. Love yourself and don’t try to change who you are. You are you and you must be happy with that.
  28. Be kind. The world could use a little more of this.
  29. Take chances. It’ll be worth it.
  30. Take pictures, you’ll want to remember every moment and memory later in life.
  31. Embrace the New Year and take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. This is your year!

What are your resolutions for 2015?

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Apology

Sorry I have not posted lately! I had finals and then the holidays made my schedule very hectic! I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!

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30 Things You Think While “Studying” For Finals

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  1. What’s the lowest score I can get on this final and still manage to pass….
  2. I wonder what my grade is in this class….
  3. Am I passing this class?
  4. Am I passing any of my classes?
  5. What is my GPA?
  6. Oh look, a TV remote!
  7. I’ll only watch American Horror Story for five minutes
  8. What will an extra ten minutes do?
  9. Well, I might as well finish this episode.
  10. I really need to paint my nails.
  11. Should I do a deep red or a flirty pink?
  12. There is no way I’m passing this final.
  13. I wonder what my best friend is doing. Is she freaking out over finals, too?
  14. I better text her just make sure she’s alright.
  15. Wow, I am so stressed.
  16. All this studying makes me tired… coffee break!
  17. I am so screwed.
  18. I should have picked an easier major.
  19. I’m going to fail this class and fail college and then fail life.
  20. What jobs can I get without a college degree?
  21. I’ll just marry rich.
  22. It’s not like I’ll ever use this class in real life, anyways.
  23. Okay, I’m actually going to study now, like really study.
  24. I don’t know any of this material.
  25. I should have paid attention in class.
  26. What exactly happened in Heart of Darkness again?
  27. Why should I even care?
  28. I’m definitely going to fail.
  29. At this point it’s not even worth looking at my notes.
  30. I can always study tomorrow.

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Standards

339334267b61672f94b9858ba411f3c3I’ve been told I have too high of standards; that when it comes to guys, I ask for too much. People have pointed out that while it’s nice to envision a six foot tall man with a winning smile and an ambitious life plan, it’s just too specific. With sympathy in their eyes, they told me it’s unrealistic to dream of a guy who makes a point to come to the front door to pick me up instead of honking the car’s horn or sending me a text saying, “I’m here”. Fantasizing about going out to dinner and having a real, intellectual conversation is sweet, but then expecting my date to pay for the dinner—that got a few laughs. Wanting a man to accept me for who I am on my worst and best days and then also respect me—unheard of. I started to think that maybe everyone was right; maybe I was single because I did expect too much.

I was told that if I chose to lower my standards I would have better luck at love, so I did what they suggested.

I made a new list. I stopped looking for a guy who had a life plan and decided I’d settle for someone who had some sort of idea of what they wanted their life to be like. That wasn’t so bad. I stopped assuming my date would want to come to the door and resolved that a text wouldn’t be that bad, as long as it wasn’t the horn. Maybe expecting my date to pay for dinner was a little too much, but splitting the bill wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Well, at twenty wanting a guy to accept me is maybe asking for too much, but respect, I still needed that.

Still, I was told my standards were too high.

So I revised again. Maybe it was too much to ask for someone to have an idea of what they wanted to do with their life, maybe it was too ambitious. But then again, they type of guy I’m attracted to—excuse me, was attracted to—is ambitious. A smile is important but perhaps not as much as I make it. I shouldn’t expect to be brought on a date, my era is different from my parents; people my age don’t go on dates, we hang out. And then I went from dreaming about a man who respects me to some guy who simply just wants me, and there is a difference between the two. And it wasn’t until “want” took the place of “respect” that I came to the realization that my standards are not too high.

Yet that time I was asked out.

And looking at my new list and comparing it to what it once was….I’ve realized that I shouldn’t have to lower my standards. Instead, I should have to compromise. So maybe that boy doesn’t have the winning smile I always dreamt about, but his laugh can make me laugh for no reason. Maybe he doesn’t exactly know what he wants his life to be like, but his ambition says he will make something of it. Perhaps we don’t go out on dates that much, but when we do, he always comes to the door, knocks, and is amazed by the way I dressed up for him. I should learn to compromise, but I should never have to lower my standards, no matter how high they are. I have the right to have high standards and I have the right to decide which aspects are the most important to me, and I will never compromise respect. I encourage you to do the same.

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